Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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