I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
