I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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