I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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