whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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