I'm pants shitting drunk right now
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
