No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
