he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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