My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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