Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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