Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
