also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
