Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just found puke in my bra..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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