Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
