Tell her she can't have a vagina
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
