There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
