Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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