i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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