I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
