Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
