this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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