I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
