She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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