I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
