so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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