Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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