I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Randomize
