I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
