i need an iv and a liver transplant
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
