...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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