Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
