90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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