I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
