Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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