New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
