Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
