I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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