are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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