she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
