Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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