My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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