I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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