Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
