I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
