Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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