girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
