so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
