rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
