i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
