So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
