my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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