it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
