i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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