There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
