I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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