Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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