We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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