Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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