dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Still dying that you shit outside
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
