im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
