Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
