my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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